DAYDREAMER Forever lost in thought, imagination running wild, Always wondering about things that can be, things to see. Possibilities are endless in …
This has been the year that I have been waiting for. It’s unbelievable to me, that at 39, I feel like I’ve grown so much as a human being, changed so much as a person and still feel so young. A life that once seemed over is now completely up for grabs. Anything is possible and anything can happen. Change is guaranteed. How far are you willing to work for the change that you want to see? It’s going to happen regardless, if you want it to or not, so might as well try and take control of the the things you can, to help shape the things you cannot. It has however been really hard for me lately to feel anything. I know that is has to be holiday season, but I can’t let the holidays get the best of me!! Especially when I have a lot to celebrate in 2019!
The year started on a high note! It was my big trip to Thailand with Jenn and Kelley, my first trip out of the country and the biggest accomplishment of my life. I still can’t believe it. The memory fades as time goes on but the experience will always be there. I was lucky enough to have spent three whole weeks there, so when I day dream about it long enough I can almost smell the hot, steamy city streets of Bangkok. I also overcame a lot of fears, such as flying. That is probably the longest flight I’ll be on for a long long time, it’s actually one of the longest flights I can take, on top of the numerous domestic flights I took while I was there. I boiled eggs in actual hot springs, ate scorpions, bugs, and ostrich, walked for miles, laid on the beaches of Phi Phi Island and bathed elephants in Chaing Mai. There were so many experiences I also shared that I didn’t even mention (like my bamboo tattoo!) that changed my life.
When I came home, I was in such a good place, I must have been on top of the world. Within one week I met Hugo and my life hasn’t been the same since. I really feel like I am with my best friend, that he is the guy the universe put on the Earth for me. I still get weird sometimes and still crave the feeling of being alone, but I work on that everyday and just try to be the best boyfriend I can be because we both deserve that happiness. He is not a citizen and I had to wait for a way too long divorce process to finish so we can marry and help get his green card. I met his “cousin” Kristina and it has pretty much been the three of us all this year. Now that the divorce is final, you can expect a wedding in 2020 which I hope to be able to write an honest blog about in the future.
Concerts and travel is all I care about and concerts and travel dominated my 2019. My first concert of the year was Mariah Carey at the Chicago Theater. Not only did I go to the concert but I was right outside the back door when she walked in the theater and got a video. My night was made before the concert even started. I went with Carrie and unfortunately, we are not friends anymore because of her jealously and possessiveness when I am in a relationship. That is another story in itself. Ariana Grande was in town and Hugo and I went to her show. It was great, and most importantly I got to see how much fun we can have together especially at a concert. We both let loose, screamed and sang the whole night. If I remember correctly, we didn’t even sit down. Next up was Jennifer Lopez with Kristina and company. Last minute we all decided to see Madonna’s Madame X tour, and then said we HAVE to see Cher. Let me tell you that Cher was the concert of the year. I started with Mariah and ended with Celine. Two of the powerhouse vocals of my lifetime in one year. I can’t even imagine that my 2020 concert line up, or any year here after can compare to my concert line up of 2019.
Concerts and travel. Let’s talk about travel. It was almost impossible to think of anything else as a vacation after coming home from Thailand. How can I use the term “travel” without leaving home, carrying only a back pack and the thrill of the unknown? Defining travel to me is a little bit different but anytime leaving home for a while counts for me. Memorial day weekend was spent In Milwaukee, including a trip to the Miller Brewery and a Brewers game. In August we took a trip to Las Vegas, did a zip line for the first time and made some crazy new friends. We finished the year taking the train to Detroit. It was the first time either of us visited Detroit and we had a great time. In Detroit, we went to a Tigers game, since they just so happened to be playing the White Sox. With a Cubs game at Wrigley also this year, we were able to see three baseball games in three different fields. That was also a first for me!
In other news, my godson, Aleksander was born, I left my job at Tricoci, went back to Floyd’s only to be offered a position in admissions at Tricoci 5 months later. I have three new tattoos, one being awful. This has been a big year as far as travel, relationships and career moves. One thing about me is that I never know what the new year has to store for me because I am always wanting to change and grow. I don’t like things to stay the same too long so we will see what 2020 brings. There are a few things that I want to work on in this new year. I will be looking into teaching CEU classes and what I need to successfully do that. I will work smarter but also harder. I am going to focus on what I need to feel fulfilled, and that is working. I don’t feel like I am living up to my potential as far as working hard. Having two days off a week is not necessary, for every week so I want to at least work one weekend a month to help tackle my credit card debt. I am not going to buy anything! No clothes, no Mariah Carey things, and no records. At least for 2019. I will spend money on travel and concerts and paying down debt. This year we are planning on getting married which means I will make sure sure I address all my concerns so we have a successful life together. I am lucky to have and be part of the family that I belong to.
Bring it on 2020.
If I hear “are you tired?” One more time today, I’m going to loose my shit. Obviously I’m beat, tired, DRAINED. It’s Thursday AKA I’m working a 13 hour shift at this crazy ass school AND I had the worst day of my life since July 1, 2015. Yes I can be that specific. Why was it so bad you ask? I can’t wait to tell you, but first a little background. Two years ago I had absolutely nothing. Having nothing has its perks! No job? No money? No boyfriend? No car? NO PROBLEMS!! Today I have all of those things. I have more then I could have ever imagined for myself. I have an Apple Watch for gods sake. Who am I? As Puff Daddy once said, “Mo money, mo problems.” Let it also be known, by an average white persons point of view I’m still a broke ass joke, but for me, I’m living like a rock star.
My job. I work at a vocational school that is made up primarily of a female student body. The drama is endless. On top of that, these corporate people think I am the shit for some reason and keep piling extra activities on me that most people would think are fun. I find them to be more of an annoyance then anything. “We love your energy, we love your passsion” they say. I just know how to kiss ass and bullshit my way through the work place and life in general. That’s the perk of being a recovering addict I guess. I do doubles, 13 hour days, and always work until 10 at night. Sometimes I work even later, as I painfully watch these professionals in training take their sweet ass time trying to complete a simple task.
As I was running late for that job, and immediately after dropping my boyfriend off at the train station for a job interview, my stupid ass pulled out of my parking space, right into oncoming traffic. Yup. A car that I’ve only made one payment on. Classic. So now my boyfriend is waiting with me while we deal with the police shit. I’m a mess, but he was helping me keep it together, all the while trying not to show his frustration with being late for his interview. Understandable. I get my ticket finally and drive away in my now busted up Nissan Sentra. I go one block, turn the corner and notice the red and blue lights of a thirsty cop trying to pull me over. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Apparently I turned right on red, when it was prohibited by the law of Oak Park. There was no way this jerk was going to give me a ticket. I told him that I was seriously ten seconds ago with his co worker who had just given me a ticket for the accident I just got in. Thankfully he saw the desperation all over my face and let me go.
I convinced myself that staying home from work was the best option so I would be able to drive my boyfriend downtown for his job interview. I felt like shit because of my accident and I felt like even more shit because he stayed with me and was fucking up this interview for a job he wanted badly. All I really wanted to do was feel sorry for myself and lay around on the couch to get over the embarrassment of this accident, but instead I was feeling bad for him. I decided to take the back roads since the old lady who hit my car hit the front tire and I was apprehensive about taking the car on the highway just in case, you know, the wheel flew off or something. By the way my day was going so far, this was a huge probability. After battling the traffic, we finally arrived. I dropped him off and told him I would be parked around the corner and would wait for him. Three minutes later he was back at my car. He had to come back another day. He was about five minutes too late. A beer vender just walked in and that had to take priority of course. I just want to go home and die.
I didn’t go home. I drove to the grocery store since my boyfriend agreed to cook me my new favorite meal. Pork chops with green salsa. On the way home, he mentioned that we could go to his gym to work out. The thought of having to drive back downtown in the car I just wanted to get out of because it ruined my day was not my idea of a great time. I hate the gym as it is. This rubbed him the wrong way and he decided he didn’t want to go to the gym at all. In fact, he really didn’t want to talk to me at all at the moment. I lost it. That was the icing on a shitty ass cake. He said some things that hurt my feelings and I wanted to die. What I didn’t want to do was sit in my apartment like a fool while someone gave me the silent treatment, so I left for a walk. I didn’t really walk. It was more like a mobile nervous breakdown. I cired and cried and cried. I cried until I reached the middle of the soccer field in a nearby park and then collapsed to my knees. Hands to my face I cried just as hard as I did the day Joey said goodbye. Harder then I have in well over a year.
This is the point where fight or flight starts to kick in. Am I going to fight for my relationship or am I gonna leave it because I promised myself I’ll never let a man make me feel like this ever again. I survived too much to put up with someone that seemingly doesn’t care about my feelings. Someone that lives with me, who I feel like I sacrificed my whole life for in such a short period of time. Besides all that it was cold as fuck outside and I needed to go home. To MY home. Well, now OUR home, so I guess I’ll fight it out this time.
I came home to more of the same. I wanted to talk, he wanted to nap. I said fine. I layed on the couch with silent tears flowing down my face, into my beard, tickiling my face on their way down. I asked if we could please talk after he woke up, he said fine and let me pour my heart and soul out. I told him how badly all I wanted to do was be angry and tell myself that I didn’t need him but my brain wouldn’t let me do that. I loved him. I wanted him. I didn’t want either one of us to take for granted that the other one will always be there in the morning because I know first had that life doesn’t work that way. I told him that he was the one that I wanted forever and I would always try to fight for that. I was shaking and trembling the whole time. Never have I poured out so many emotions while sober in my life. When I was done, he looked at me and said “are you done?” I nodded yes and said “ok” and stood up and went back to the kitchen. That was the moment my heart broke.
It’s been a week since I’ve been living with a broken heart. We have been super tolerant of each other. I think I have been fooled. I want to believe that it’s going to all be OK, but I don’t want to be played a fool either. I should count my blessings. These are all beautiful problems to have considering two years before I couldn’t even feed myself on the one day a week I chose to put the pipe down and take in a meal and a nap. When I remember that man, I also remember the man that had no self confidence. I’m starting to feel that way now. I feel like less a human for sharing with him the things I did. I know what I got to do. I have to talk to him. He will hate it, but his reaction can really make or break this whole relationship. “Better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all”. I don’t know how I feel about that, but whatever. I’ll use it. On a movie I heard “love is just delayed pain. You’re going to loose that person somehow eventually.” Ouch.
So that day may have been the worst day of my life, but I am the one who has made that day follow me for a week. I control my own destiny. No one else but me. Not my boss, or my boyfriend. How I choose to respond to the situations thrown at me is all my choice. The map of my life has many roads, and it certainly doesn’t stop on the one that I am currently on. I just hope the passengers in the car don’t have to change but if they do, to continue moving forward then that’s what needs to be. I got me. My friends got me and so does my family. Everything is going to be OK.
“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” – John Steinbeck They say change is the only true constant in our lives. Defined as the process through which something becomes different. Some of us fight it, others choose to focus their energy on adapting to […]
It’s been 9 months since I have written and longer since I published a public post. A lot has happened this summer. The president of The United States of America gets worse everyday. Sexual allegations and cops killing minorites are dominating the news as we speak. Aretha Franklin is dead, and I’m single again. The details don’t matter, we both paid the price, however that decision, in my opinion opened up the summer for more experiences. It’s been about three weeks since I moved out, and back, to my old studio on Chicago Ave.
I put a vision board up, so I remain gratful for what I have. I have posted my tickets and pictures of events that I’ve been blessed to attend. I’m trying to get back to the “don’t miss anything, experience everything” mentality of my 20’s. I have a different perspective on it now, as I approach 40. I was able to scratch some bucket list items off my list this year which I have not been able to do in a while . Especially the travel list. I saw Diana Ross in concert this year and traveled to NOLA as well as Seattle, both brand new for me. another trip was planned for 2019…. THAILAND! I will write more about my travels later.
My friend Carrie is my ride or die. I’ve said this before. Unfortunately for the world, she can be a jealous bitch, and when I’m in a relationship this is usually amped up to an 11. For the most part we love the exact same things so when the opportunity came again to be able to spontaneously see a show, I always had my favorite go to person to ask to go with. We scored free tickets to see Kesha and Macklamore. We also got to see The Cher Show, a pre Broadway musical before it hit the NYC stage. We rounded out the summer with the Never Ending Summer tour with The Offspring and 311. In just two weeks we are going to Michigan to see Paula Abdul. I can’t wait to see what amazing concerts 2019 brings!!
Most of the summer I was still living at home with Tony. It made me a lot more active, as I was trying to spend as little time as possible in the awkward apartment. It was easier for me to move forward after I laid it all out on the table. It was a big release of energy that I had bottled up inside. It was however, hard on him. I guess I preach so much about going outside your comfort zone to grow, that knowing this was exactly what I was doing, made me feel selfish. Shouldn’t I want us both to grow together? I spent more time then ever before in the yoga studio and I believe that helped build an inner peace within myself. Through my practice I do believe I was awakened to the idea of solitude.
So the summer of 2018 was more eventful then 2017 but not as perfect as 2016. 2016 is forever going to be the best year of my life. I hope for a beautiful 2019. I should have learned a few more lessons about myself, and others, maybe took a step backwards in the trust department, but it brought me two steps closer to something else TBD.
I just had my one year anniversary of my current relationship. Former blog posts talk about me being single and alone and here I am talking about the one year anniversary and shit. Who would have thought. All that aside it’s been a rough year. Financially I’m drained because I had to foot majority of the bills. My moral is low because all I do is work and have no life outside of him and my job. He’s an over consumer, and I try to be frugal as hell. His world is black and white. Mine is the perfect shade of grey. I’m a loner by default, and I’ve been missing it a lot lately. Craving it even. I feel trapped.
So the reason we even started to date in the first place is because although we seemed to have nothing in common, we had one huge thing alike. We were both recovering addicts. I toyed around with smoking weed sometimes and having a social beer here and there (limit two of course), but I was willing and ready to go 100% sober for the relationship. Now this is where I have to take blame as well as place blame. After 400 days clean he decided that he wanted to smoke weed. By his birthday he was drinking here and there and after his birthday weed became a daily thing. The excuses for an occasion to drink started to grow so naturally, eventually, I came home to him passed out drunk at home. No. Fuck this. Not only is it not fair that I feel like I’m in a cage and this dude does whatever he wants, but I could only be sober with him. I can be drunk with anyone.
I briefly thought about leaving him to sleep it off and just going to my brothers. Brief thought. Very brief. Although I knew there would be absolutely no point in arguing with a drunk, I was irritated that he got to sleep when I was furious, so I antagonized the beast until he exploded. Until he fucked up my dresser, and waited until he finally punched a hole in the closet door, trying repeatedly for what seemed like an eternity to leave.
It’s been three days since this debacle. He’s apologized of course and I have just been cold which honestly isn’t much different then I was treating him before that day because of my irritation with the financial situation. I didn’t make him leave or break up with him which is exactly what I planned on doing. All I have said to him is that he disappointed me and if I ever see anything like that again, he will never see or talk to me what so ever. I really mean this. Right now, it’s the holidays, I’m lazy because I am so busy, and in too much credit card debt that he needs to help pay off to even think about the long, painful breakup process.
I hope this is the part that’s “normal”, the part that you are supposed to stick out to eventually see that it makes your relationship stronger. Right now though, it’s the part where my friends and family think I’m an idiot for sticking around.
It’s my party, and I can cry if I want to, leave if I want to, stay if I want to. #memyselfandi
These are words that are written on the wall above the shampoo bowls at my place of employment. I teach at a beauty school. It’s important for the students because it’s exactly what we do in this business. I SHOULD say, this is what we should be doing in this business. When you fry off someone’s hair, and/or use the wrong toner and turn her blonde hair green, you are not necessarily making their day. However, when you do an amazing job for someone that is having a rough day, week, or life in general, knowing that you made their day is the warmest feeling ever. It is honestly what has kept me in the business so long.
As an educator, I am still a day maker. I have to be.
That is a pretty accurate description of myself. I’ve also been called a “beautiful bottle of poison”. That was kinda awesome too. In other words, I’m FUN. Lots of fun. I have even been able to create the illusion of fun while staying sober and being in a relationship. Especially at work. Outside of work however I’ve felt like the exact opposite of fun. Sometimes I think its my relationship bringing me down and other times I am positive I am my worst enemy, bringing down my own damn self.
Relationship drama. What’s wrong? I have been ruminating on the thought that my guy doesn’t like me, the person. The man I am inside. He knows me, however as he learns more about me, it seems bigger distances emerge. I never should have looked at things like my car, phone, way I dressed and simple life style as anything to be embarrassed of. I wanted to change, I wanted him to like me. He does love me however for other things. He mentioned yesterday that we “need each other” after I thanked him for keeping me on track. What did he mean? He is an authorized user on my credit cards and that has helped his credit immensely. I assume this is what he was referencing to as far as needing me because that is what we were talking about at the moment. He does love me for the caring person that I am, and my willingness to help people. It’s my nature and I know he appreciates me for it, however the only thing we even talk about anymore is bills, payments, credit scores, credit scores, and credit scores. We are two different people and I feel in my heart that I have tried to experience life through his eyes with an open mind. I know he has tried to do the same, however it seems everything I try to introduce him to he doesn’t like or goes in with a closed mind, therefore he doesn’t give it a chance. I am pretty predicable and love Britney Spears. I love all things teenage girl and I know this has to drive him crazy. My obsession with high tops and an unwillingness to grow up used to be cute but are now an annoyance. My shoes on my table and the way I hang my clothes (or the fact I don’t always hang them) drives him nuts, which is crazy because its my table and the only reason my closet is a mess is because I gave him a whole closet when he moved in with me. I can’t even tell you the last time I got to dance around my apartment naked to “Toxic”. Tragedy, I know. I’m horribly indecisive and my passive “I don’t care” attitude is less then to be desired.
Why would I be a problem? I ruminate negative thoughts in my head. The only thing I trust, is that someone is going to hurt me. Eventually. That’s not fair to anyone. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, all the while basing my reactions on opinions of my own, and not facts of the matter. To my defense, I try to talk about my problems but instead of being consoled over the matters at hand, I’m brought to a place of shame and embarrassment, forever being told that “nothing is wrong” or nothing was wrong until I opened up my mouth. I leave the situation feeling worse then I did going into it, on the simple fact that he could ever be so indifferent to anything that I said I was feeling at the moment. Instead of telling him how I feel, I keep it all inside because I’m sure that’s what he wants me to do. Why am I not doing what I want to do? I’m a pushover. Cowardly even.
About that job. I’m a teacher of a trade that I love. Being a hair stylist has brought so much to my table. Most people don’t last two years and I’m going on 13. It seems like yesterday that I locked this down on my tour with Joanne at Regency. I wanted to become a teacher and I am. Teaching is not as fun as working a salon and I miss the creativity and day to day shenanigans of working in a shop. Teaching is a JOB with bosses and all the corporate hell that goes along with it but I can’t forget to mention that the benefits are there as well. Health insurance, paid vacation, paid holidays and 401K to name the big ones. I also happen to work for the best company out there in the Chicagoland area so that makes it impossible to even want to look for another job teaching. This really is it. The best part of working in the salon was getting to see my clients and my friends, and getting paid to do it. I miss that energy so much.
Reading back there is one common factor that I can see. Complacency. I never want to feel that because to feel complacent means you don’t care. You no longer care about your partners needs because you know they are not going anywhere. Some days I try to change it up, but recently it’s been hard. I feel like I’m riding solo in the car of life and that’s usually how I like it to be. I decided to share my life with some one but if there’s no communication alongside with complacency, I’d rather be alone.
I mean, really, I was an escort which we all know is a hell of a lot classier then a prostitute, right? Ha. At the end of the day if you gotta take the dick outta your mouth before you go home from work, you is a ho. It wasn’t my proudest moment. In fact it helped stick me into a deep depression that fed my drug addiction and insecurities. Oddly enough at the same time it fulfilled this need I can’t seem to find an ends to, called adventure. It wasn’t all bad. You get to be who ever you wanted to be for that moment in time. It was mysterious, and it was bad. It turned that scared boy into a man in a very short period of time and gave me plenty of other opportunities that became positive experiences in life.
I never thought getting into sex work was going to effect me in the future. Maybe that’s the beauty of being in your 20’s. You’re too stupid and clueless to realize how your actions will shape your future, so you do them, have fun, and pay for them later. It’s pretty much the young adult mantra. It didn’t stop with escorting. Movies were made and pictures were taken. This thing called the internet was starting to catch on. I had no clue it held the ability for these videos and pictures to last FOREVER. So naturally, I thought it would be a good idea to become a teacher.
First I became a hair stylist. My fast lifestyle fit right in with the crazy, neurotic lifestyle and culture of doing hair. The industry did so much for me. I was in sex work for 10 years, and there was no place I could think of other then a gay bathhouse that my resume would stand a chance. Cosmetology gave me a second chance.
I wanted to be a teacher for the people that wanted their second chance. I do it so I can make a difference. I tell them that I was once beat down and broken and pulled through to tell the story. If I can do it, then anyone can, and I am sure to remind them of this whenever they need motivation. Anyone can facilitate the information. It takes something extra to care about the people that you are giving the information to. Sure getting “Happy Fathers Day” texts makes me feel like an old, wrinkled fool, but it lets me know that I am doing exactly what I set out to do. When the administration is getting down on me and I start to get discouraged, I quickly remind myself that I am here for the students. I’m protective of these guys, I get attached and I cry when they graduate.
It’s kinda awesome getting to be this guy. Someone that gets respect and someone that people look up to…as long as they don’t find me butt ass naked on an internet search at least.
To know me is to love me and to love me is to know that I’m a lot to deal with. Life was never ordinary due to my overwhelming need to push boundaries and stand out in a crowd. Naturally I found everything in drugs and lost it all because of them. My longest relationship has been with illegal substances and some legal ones also.
Two years ago I went to rehab, and I have been narcotic free since then. It was soooooo hard!!! That time of my life was insane. As I built my life back up, I could never feel as full as I did during the romantic era of my addiction for some reason. Every time I crossed a mile marker in my recovery or achieved another type of personal goal I would hope to wake up and feel whole again. I didn’t.
I felt that maybe it was because I was single. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I was dating a lot. I’m a sucker for the chase, as well as an attention whore. I met Anthony and the rest is history. Basically we have been together everyday since we met. He lives with me now, or I should say we live together. I felt like I was getting my life back, but then the friend equation was taken out of my days and I felt lost again after the relationship became more of a routine and settled into something long term. I wasn’t in the salon or going out and drinking anymore so socially, there was nothing.
Everything happens for a reason. Three years ago I left my job at the barbershop. Two years ago they refused to give me my job back and this was the second time I asked. That was the trigger that sent me on my final decline into the aggressive world of meth. I went to rehab and two years later earned the respect back I had lost. The barbershop decided to give me another chance. Which is were I am now…
Earning the good part back of a horrible life saved me. I feel like myself again. I’m around co workers and clients that KNOW me. Everyone else prior only knew the new version of me. I made amazing new friendships along this journey but I always felt like something was missing because everyone around me only knew half of who I was. Now, I feel 100%. I have the best of both worlds, and live in a happy home. God knows there are going to be a ton of days I don’t want my life, or miss being a reckless member of society, however my thoughts always come back, and I’m reeled back into daydreaming about how good it is, compared to how it could have been.