2023 Year In Review

First of all, I need to write more. Every year I say I will, and every year I allow myself to get so ‘busy’ with things that do not even matter. I hate that I know 90% of the things I worry about don’t even happen, but still worry just the same! Can someone just tell me what the 10% is so I can stop worrying about the 90% and get on with my day? As I write that I suddenly have to wonder, would I hate that? Is the best and worst part about life the unknown? Or is there happiness with stability and consistency? When does that start to become complacent? Should it? I really do know how to answer that question for myself.

If I had anything in 2023 it was stability and consistency. For starters, this is the first full Calander year the world was free of COVID restrictions. I am still married (thank God). I started the year as Campus Director and will most likely end the year as Campus Director. My address is the same (still renting) and my theater subscriptions have been renewed. Same seats, same days, and same times. I like me a matinee, so I have an excuse to take a Wednesday off of work. What can I say. I also have the same amount of credit card debt, same amount of money saved for the down payment on this house ($0.00), and same commitment to go to the gym (none).

I am sure that in my archives of journals I wrote someplace, “All I want is stability and consistency.”, and here I am about to tell you that I have been feeling lost and bored heading into the end of this year. Things in the past, especially these last 8 years have changed drastically and often, so to have a year that I did not feel like I was growing through me off my guard. With that being said, the safety and security that comes with stability and consistency has allowed me to have an incredible year of experience and exposure I did not realize I was going to have.

This year, get ready, its big… We went to Europe and Africa. London, Portugal, Spain and Moracco to be exact. It was at the beginning of the year, however, still has my cup feeling full. The best part was the 2 weeks I got to spend with my husband without the stress of work and home surrounding us. It’s different when you are on another continent compared to heading to another city. You really feel disconnected, and you want to be more engaged. Being able to have the opportunity to travel has been one of the biggest benefits I have received since I was promoted. Of course, we did not stop there, the kids came for the summer, and we drove up through Canada to see Niagra Falls. That was more than I could have imagined! So many people and so much to do. Especially for the kids. We also flew to New Orleans with a few friends and took a handful of trips to our favorite city, Milwaukee. Travel is all I have ever wanted to do. I am basically living my dream when I look at it from that point of view.

After travel comes the concerts. We saw Janet Jackson this summer and Maluma this past October. We have Mariah Carey, 4th row, set in December for her Christmas show, in which I will probably pee my pants, and our Madonna concert was rescheduled for Feb 1. Again, things I have always dreamed of. I have never had to say no to a show that I have wanted to see, another benefit to my job. (Even though my credit cards say I should have.)

AS far as my career, this is where my challenges (or lack of challenges) begin to take hold of my thoughts. To easily sum it up, I am bored, and I am uninspired. My boss brings nothing to the table, and we have zero relationship. I think of him more as an equal that has nothing to show me and cannot help me professionally grow in the direction I want to. I do like his boss, and I hope to be able to move to his team in the future. I do not feel like I will get a raise, however I am so grateful for my current salary and would welcome any lateral move. It scares me though, that with this company, I really have not had the same position for more than two years. As of January 2024, I will have been a director for 2 years and I am so over it. I can tell you a million things that I don’t like, but after I go to spell it out and look back, I am just bored and finding every excuse to move on. The one thing that I am proud of, is that I did become a member of the Elk Grove Village Lions Club, and I am loving the opportunities I have had to get involved in my community and it really is making me want to run for Mayor. (20-year plan).

The fact that I did not do a 2022 year in review and the fact that I am in the same exact place this year as last year is disturbing. I don’t want to be in the same place as I am now next year. I can have the same house, job, husband and friends but I also need to see growth in those areas. I feel like I have compromised my growth for others; professionally and personally. I can be the little Facebook attention craving bitch and say, “I am not letting anyone take advantage of me anymore!!” but I know the reality of that situation and my outcomes would be the same as anyone that feels the need to broadcast a statement like that for the world to see. A failure. I can only promise to me conscious of this need to change and show you the results for next year.

Life. The Energy Vampire

I am the guy that has “good energy”, a charismatic personality and generally can get along with anyone. I for sure have no intention of beefing up my ego with that statement, rather than make an observation based on the comments of others for the past 42 years. A more appropriate statement would include the word “perceive”. I am the guy that people PERCEIVE… because the truth is I doubt that its real sometimes. A lot of the times actually. Why, is it easier for me to be nicer to a stranger then to the members of my family? How come I am helping people change their life around, and roll my eyes when then they walk out of my office? In reverse, why do I feel empty if I don’t feel like I am doing something to help others? If I am everyone’s positive influence, then how and why do I get so sad and depressed and broken? Who and what fills my cup? The biggest question of them all is am I faking happiness so I can avoid the things that are bothering me?

Why complain? No one listens, this is a fact, and no one cares. No one TRULY cares. When someone is complaining to me about something irrelevant, I can smile and nod, all the while having a complete thought process in my head about something totally different. After a few minutes of that, I then realize that I have no idea what this person was even telling me. I am present, listening, making eye contact even and my brain is completely on what I am going to eat for lunch and hoping my favorite teller is working at the bank. Part of it is my ADHD for sure, but maybe there is also a possibility that my give a damn is just BUSTED.

Maybe I am just not a good person. Once I had a student come in my office and I was letting her know, everything we do here is because we care, and she stopped me. While she agreed we cared, she also believed that ended at 5 PM and then we left and didn’t give a shit anymore until the alarm went off and back to work, we went. I was offended at first but maybe that is true! Maybe that is why teachers don’t care about calling in sick and no one being able to take their class. Maybe that’s why they are not studying the material they need to look over or are not participating at meetings. They just don’t care after 5. After 5, I want to be as far away as I can. Do I stop caring though? Is it because I do not care, or because I care too much? If I did not care, would I be losing sleep, having anxiety and thinking about everyone so much?

Maybe, I am not happy. Period. I started this post nearly a year ago TO THE DAY and find myself feeling similar still. I am revisiting it to finish and post the blog, and what I now understand is that most of my negativity about humanity stems from my leadership position. Leadership is the true energy vampire. Leadership has been the transparency I needed to see exactly where we are headed as a society. It has opened my eyes to something far deeper than deeming someone a good person or a bad person. I am able to see exactly where my generation went wrong and what we provided the younger generation with for them to become who they are today. Worst part is, we hate on them for it, when they are only working with what they got. From us. That’s why I carry on. It is not their fault, and whether I like it or not, it is MY JOB to inspire and motivate them. It is not theirs to motivate me. My roll exists to because society is so fucked up and people like me are needed to help shape a new generation. Just sometimes, I question, if I am strong enough for that responsibility. Lately, I am questioning if I am even capable of working at Taco Bell.

Rogers Park. Chicago.

Energy. This place has energy. Rogers Park is the magnet to my being. It’s that place you leave many, many times and the universe keeps bringing you back. It’s almost like a drug. You don’t want to go but as soon as you get there, you forget who you are and become a part of the fabric of the community. I can get lost here. I know everything here. I have had a lot of firsts here. Lasts. I say I grew up here. I became the worst version of myself here to later, 8 years after that, become the best. Rogers Park is in my DNA.

Rogers Park is the northernmost neighborhood of Chicago. Its boarders include Evanston to the North and Lake Michigan to the east, making the perfect neighbors. Now known as the most diverse zip code in Illinois, Rogers Park was once just a beautiful beach surrounded by white birch forests before it was ransacked by settlers, and we already know how that story goes. Barack Obama gave his first speech, announcing his run for congress at the now demolished Heartland Cafe. A mural is located there in remembrance of that now historic day. There is a lot of history and culture here, especially in a city that is so hard hit by gentrification, Rogers Park remains minimally changed, at least for the last 21 years I have known her.

Traveling back and forth between Evanston and the City, I was exposed to Rogers Park through Dave, AKA Big Poppa. If you are new to this blog, Dave was the “pimp” that owned “The Agency” Chicago and took me under his wing when my family wanted nothing to do with me. I fell in love with the natural beauty of the lake, the trees and all the old architecture that managed to survive. My first solo apartment was 1337 W. Greenleaf Ave. A 2 roomed studio with a separate kitchen. To this day, I still do not understand how I found the most perfect apartment of my life the first time around. I still remember my palm tree shower curtain and the first couch I ever purchased, from the Brown Elephant Thrift. Sofa bed. Heavy as hell. The funny thing is, I have pretty much kept that neutral warm style of decor in all my homes ever since. My apartment on Greenleaf was half a block from the beach. HALF A BLOCK FROM THE BEACH! This was the life. It was from that day forward, that I feel I began my true adult life. I learned everything I needed to know about being a man in Rogers Park. How to stretch a dollar, shit, how to make it. How to toughen up and show up and just do what you got to do. I was now from Chicago, for this is what created the fabric of the man I am today.

I left. Did some things, wrote a few chapters in my book of life and ultimately came back. This time, 1/2 a block from the beach “east of Sheridan” as you would say. This chapter turned dark but started out so light. Two new things came into my life almost at the same time. Jason and Meth. Crazy thing is, they both destroyed each other, and they both destroyed me. Meth opened a whole underworld I never knew existed. I truly felt like I was a part of a crew, a part of something no one else could understand. I loved being with Marc, Peter. I met Bryan. He passed away in the process. Bryan and I shared a moment at the Greenleaf Beach and that is also were Marc lived. I spent a lot of time over there. I was back on Greenleaf, just a 1/2 block away from my original apartment and I never felt more alive. I reconnected with an old friend Sean, as he was also living in Rogers Park. I really was solid with my life, but somehow, at some point, I just lost control of the drugs and lost control of my mind. I had to leave again.

At this point during my rehabilitation process from drugs, I could not go anywhere near the city, let alone Rogers Park. In my head, Rogers Park was a dark energy that I had no power over. That had the ability to suck me back in if I got the right look on the streets from a stranger. The fabulous dark hole of sexual exploration I have never been comfortable with until I was fucked up on Meth. I still desired that feeling of belonging. Desired the feeling of being desired.

Thousands of dollars invested in medical attention as well as education, brought me back standing on my own two feet taller than ever before. I was interviewing for the position of my career. The highest position I ever wanted to sit at with my company. I knew I would get it, and I knew it would require a transfer. Never in my wildest dreams was I prepared for them to tell me “You are going to Rogers Park.” Campus Director I was, and I spent a lot of days walking to the beach and checking out all the monuments of my past. As far as the drive was, as soon as I crossed the Chicago River, I felt like I was in another dimension. I changed. My mindset changed. Rogers Park was taking over. Everyday my memories were filled with events from the past. Good and bad. Sober and cracked out. “Play the tape through!” I thought to myself when the memory became too deep, and I could feel the rush of adrenaline through my groin into my toes. Just like that first hit. Play the tape through. This will not end well. I think I was stronger than my demons, but who knows. I lasted there 6 months before I was promoted again and moved to the NW side of Chicago.

I know enough and I know well that I will always be called home. I cannot help it and I cannot hide it. This is an energy bigger than anything I have felt before. I am always back and forth and the first to say yes when they need some help over at my old campus. That is just the energy calling me back and I will never ignore it. In the back of my head, I always know that Rogers Park will always be waiting for me. It will never turn me away. It also will never quit. The whispers of the breeze will always haunt me until it welcomes me back home forever.

As I will never forget: Zach, Marc, JJ, Twin, Bryan P, Peter, Chris, Mike NW, and so many others I can remember, but can’t come up with a name. The locations that harbor these memories: Unique, Marshalls, Man’s Country, Jackhammer, Greenleaf and Howard Ave. And Jason. You are a whole story worthy more than just a mention at the bottom of a blog post.

Photo Challenge #439

I wanted to be alone, but I miss him.

Grabbed that yellow ‘yak, chance of rain slim.

Spent the day alone in my head,

brought my old book-

The one I just read.

Don’t sit on that log,

That green thing looks dead,

More thoughts are running through my sick head.

I wanted to be alone, but I miss him.

2021 Year in Review

I was hoping to write this before the year ended, but of course there was too much going on. That is because my resolution: grab ’22 by the balls- and that’s what I am doing. Here I am though, with the time and opportunity to write about 2021.

The year started off great, and then I don’t know what happened. This was the year I had been waiting for since 2016. The bad one. Of course I was growing and growing. There was nothing to stop me. How can I measure my strength when I have yet to have a challenge? I have at this point started my second year working from home and fell into a comfortable pattern. Then, I guess I am realizing now, it became the year of my husband.

I have never been so proud of someone that I have been with. We started the year off with him getting his application for residency approved. After that we quickly packed our bags and headed to celebrate. First we flew to San Diego and visited friends before crossing the boarder into Tijuana. We stayed a night there, and wasted a day with the worst hangover of my life. Partially recovered, we boarded a plane and headed to Los Cabos, then to La Paz, and back to Cabo with all sorts of things in between. Then we took the kids back to Chicago with us. My husband went to work, and I stayed home with the kids.

The first month was ok. I had a little desk I put in our sunny bedroom, and it was perfect. I felt bad for the kids of course for being so trapped up in the apartment so we went to parks and ran errands as necessary just to move and not go stir crazy. We made a decision to move to a two-bedroom apartment for more space since the kids were here. We only lasted there 6 weeks. We were completely harassed by the neighbors because of the cats and the kids being too loud. We ended up getting a huge argument that ended in threats and I just dropped to my knees and broke down. I COULD NOT BELIVE THIS WAS MY LIFE. Living in a shitty apartment I did not like and home for months taking care of kids, all the while failing at my job. I went three months in a row without hitting my goals for work- the three months I was with the kids all day. We were able to break the lease and now had two weeks to look for a house to rent. That meant I now had to give up living in the city. My city. The only thing that I still felt I had that connected me to my true self, but if everything happens for a reason, something great better be around the corner. It was.

The kids left on July 31 and on Aug 1 we moved into our first (rental) home. It was everything I never wanted. It was perfect. The energy in that home was amazing. That place was made with love. No bricks, no basement and located in the middle of white America but I didn’t care. In October I purchased my first brand new pickup truck and saw Maluma in concert. Shortly after I had to have a double hernia surgery, and then it happened again. More setbacks.

Based on the awful way I was treated at Great Clips when I told them I was going into surgery, I decided to make the decision not to go back there. The thing that I did not realize is that I made more money than I thought and that I needed two jobs. However, I was in a lot of pain after this. Then winter hit and so did the depression. Money was awful, I was scared I would never recover from my surgery, and I was getting so fogged over sitting at home wishing I could go back to work instead of feeling trapped in the house. the COVID break was cool, but now my mental health was beginning to suffer. I needed a new life. I decided to enroll for real estate classes with Cheslea.

We rang in the New Year in Canada. It was half closed down for COVID and the next day we went to Detroit to party like it was 2022. I was still in real estate school and hoping for the best. 2021 did not go well, but I know that was on me. If I wanted change, I needed to BE the change and boy did it come for 2022- stay tuned 🙂

LIFE. Chapter 2

I could have waited 2 months and did my 2021 year in review, but Hugo just got us a shiny new MacBook Pro and I am sitting around recovering from surgery so here we go!

I have one more week left of the work at home model. It has been almost two years that I have been working at home and it has been an expierence that someday I will be able to look back at and see how it changed me. One thing I know, is that things are changing. Honestly right now my relationship, to me, is stronger than ever. I love my home, and I have a beautiful new truck. I have recently become very aware of my worth and know there is more out there.

Since I left rehab, for the most part, I have played my life very safe. especially compared with the way I used to be. I have taken my career with Tricoci very serious and it has proven well for me. I have played it safe with Great Clips because it was easy. I am a lot more aware of my bills and credit health. More or less, I don’t take many risks. Like I said before though, I know there is more! I feel greedy saying that especially when the universe has given me so much and playing it safe has provided these things for me, but now, 6 years in, I am comfortable and who doesn’t grow when they are comfortable? Me. No one grows when they are comfortable actually so it is time to start a new venture.

This year we got a new house, I got a new truck and we are in the burbs. Chelsea and I have plans for a better future. It’s time to just work hard. I have had 2 years of not living up to my potential so I am making a promise to myself that by 2022 year in review I will have a head position at Tricoci or a new job paying me a better salary. I’ll be not so much Great Clips but doing more with PMU. Whatever it is, I will be doing more, and I will be doing it before the summer comes because I cannot be working from home. I say change is coming but change is all already happening. Big changes are all around me. So I am already on my way to life after rehab part two. I am excited and ready!

Letters to Joey….6

Dear Joey,

It’s Halloween 2021. I’m kind of anxious because I’m starting to forget. Forget what we did on Halloween. Forgot if we dressed up or if I was even available at all or too busy smoking meth and avoiding your calls. I forgot if this was just another holiday I ruined for you. I’m also forgetting what it felt like to loose you. To feel that crazy. To feel that low. To feel like THAT.

You are 25 now I think? I wonder what your like. How you have changed. If maybe now you can understand why I tried to push you away from me when I would say I was “too old”. Dann said something about he thought you lived in Joliet with your boyfriend. If that’s the case, I hope you’re happy, but like I always say “When I was your age I needed to EXPLORE!” Then you, in turn, would remind me that not everyone needs to live the crazy life that I did. I do now, agree with you.

Time marches on and people heal. As much as I know I hurt you, you hurt me back probably harder. I am a better man because of it and you never chose to know the man I am today. You ignored me and I grew. Thank you. Still, I never wanted to forget because I thought clinging to that pain would somehow keep me from making mistakes again, kept me humble. It maybe worked for many years but it also had me feeling like I didn’t deserve anything good that was happening. Anytime I succeeded I always needed a day to convince myself that I was worth it. I have found something else to replace that pain that also keeps me moving forward and that is called LOVE. My husband has made it possible for me to stop feeling guilty for growing, for setting goals and getting what I need as well as what I want without feeling undeserving. I no long need the guilt to keep me grounded. I have moved past that. It’s different now.

Writing to you has proven to be theraputic by allowing me to really dig deep into myself for the meaning and purpose behind my addiction, mental illness, and recovery. I don’t understand why it was so necessary for me to make sure you knew I was suffering. Maybe so you saw I was miserable and I could say we were even and have closure. Everything we went through landed me right were I am today and I swear today I look around at my beautiful life and I can’t imagine being any where else.

2020 Year in Review

As globally fucked up this year has turned out to be, I cannot say that this was “the worst year ever”. Actually, as the year comes to a close, I find myself blessed by the universe to be able to say I thrived and also survived having the ‘Rona. The symptoms were all manageable from home, and I don’t want to make light of it, but it always had been something that I considered to be an over exaggeration. Then, I did what I ALWAYS do when I get knocked down. I got up and continued to move. To LIVE.

This was my year! I got married and turned 40. I paid down some debt and got creative finding ways to keep things exciting when the whole world was closed. We shared a pool with Kristina and took advantage of it while the virus kept things closed for the summer. I was able to keep my job and top of that I have not had to go back to campus permanently since March. It’s been almost a full year that I have been able to take advantage to the world of working from home. I was blessed with the opportunity to further my education and get certification for scalp micro pigmentation. The world got to watch Trump be defeated and fear for the future as we watched the outcome of how his followers reacted. I didn’t know there was so much hate still left in this country. We took some trips, some GREAT ones actually- Cocoa Beach was a favorite and took several trips to the Dells. We spent Christmas in the Tampa Bay Area as well, and really organized the home. That was 2020. It could have been better but I did what a could with what I was given. Here’s to 2021, my 2nd year of marriage, 5th year with Tricoci, and 41st year of life.

Traveling On My Own

Something I was never comfortable doing, for whatever reason I can’t even tell you. I started to write this post probably in 2018 when I went to Seattle by myself. I found it in my drafts. Just a title and one line. “Something I was never comfortable to do”. It’s fitting to have stumbled upon this just days after coming home from a trip centered around work, by myself, well at least for the first two days.

When I look back, I’ve traveled a lot on my own! My first trip ever on an airplane was to Georgia to visit my favorite cousins when I was 16. I wish I remembered more about what that felt like considering now I can’t get on a plane without a least two drinks and half of a Xanax. Off the top of my head I can remember traveling to San Diego and Palm Springs, rather scandalous and worthy of their own blog posts, along with Cleveland and Toledo to go visit friends, but it wasn’t truly until Seattle, that I traveled, arrived, and stayed by myself the entire trip.

I encourage everyone to take a vacation alone. I tend to be a daydreamer and only when I am truly alone am I allowed to keep the daydream and fantasy world alive in my head. I always tend to “find myself” in such situations and my best ideas come from my wild imagination.

Being married now, less than a year, taking a vacation by myself seems like something that’s only going to be one of those daydreams I catch myself in. I know in the future this is something that I am going to need for my soul and one day I can only hope that my husband will understand my need for solitary adventure and exploration. I can tell you for a fact however, I WILL travel alone again someday, abroad even, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get to be me again.

DAYDREAMER

DAYDREAMER Forever lost in thought, imagination running wild, Always wondering about things that can be, things to see. Possibilities are endless in …

DAYDREAMER