Life. The Energy Vampire

I am the guy that has “good energy”, a charismatic personality and generally can get along with anyone. I for sure have no intention of beefing up my ego with that statement, rather than make an observation based on the comments of others for the past 42 years. A more appropriate statement would include the word “perceive”. I am the guy that people PERCEIVE… because the truth is I doubt that its real sometimes. A lot of the times actually. Why, is it easier for me to be nicer to a stranger then to the members of my family? How come I am helping people change their life around, and roll my eyes when then they walk out of my office? In reverse, why do I feel empty if I don’t feel like I am doing something to help others? If I am everyone’s positive influence, then how and why do I get so sad and depressed and broken? Who and what fills my cup? The biggest question of them all is am I faking happiness so I can avoid the things that are bothering me?

Why complain? No one listens, this is a fact, and no one cares. No one TRULY cares. When someone is complaining to me about something irrelevant, I can smile and nod, all the while having a complete thought process in my head about something totally different. After a few minutes of that, I then realize that I have no idea what this person was even telling me. I am present, listening, making eye contact even and my brain is completely on what I am going to eat for lunch and hoping my favorite teller is working at the bank. Part of it is my ADHD for sure, but maybe there is also a possibility that my give a damn is just BUSTED.

Maybe I am just not a good person. Once I had a student come in my office and I was letting her know, everything we do here is because we care, and she stopped me. While she agreed we cared, she also believed that ended at 5 PM and then we left and didn’t give a shit anymore until the alarm went off and back to work, we went. I was offended at first but maybe that is true! Maybe that is why teachers don’t care about calling in sick and no one being able to take their class. Maybe that’s why they are not studying the material they need to look over or are not participating at meetings. They just don’t care after 5. After 5, I want to be as far away as I can. Do I stop caring though? Is it because I do not care, or because I care too much? If I did not care, would I be losing sleep, having anxiety and thinking about everyone so much?

Maybe, I am not happy. Period. I started this post nearly a year ago TO THE DAY and find myself feeling similar still. I am revisiting it to finish and post the blog, and what I now understand is that most of my negativity about humanity stems from my leadership position. Leadership is the true energy vampire. Leadership has been the transparency I needed to see exactly where we are headed as a society. It has opened my eyes to something far deeper than deeming someone a good person or a bad person. I am able to see exactly where my generation went wrong and what we provided the younger generation with for them to become who they are today. Worst part is, we hate on them for it, when they are only working with what they got. From us. That’s why I carry on. It is not their fault, and whether I like it or not, it is MY JOB to inspire and motivate them. It is not theirs to motivate me. My roll exists to because society is so fucked up and people like me are needed to help shape a new generation. Just sometimes, I question, if I am strong enough for that responsibility. Lately, I am questioning if I am even capable of working at Taco Bell.

Traveling On My Own

Something I was never comfortable doing, for whatever reason I can’t even tell you. I started to write this post probably in 2018 when I went to Seattle by myself. I found it in my drafts. Just a title and one line. “Something I was never comfortable to do”. It’s fitting to have stumbled upon this just days after coming home from a trip centered around work, by myself, well at least for the first two days.

When I look back, I’ve traveled a lot on my own! My first trip ever on an airplane was to Georgia to visit my favorite cousins when I was 16. I wish I remembered more about what that felt like considering now I can’t get on a plane without a least two drinks and half of a Xanax. Off the top of my head I can remember traveling to San Diego and Palm Springs, rather scandalous and worthy of their own blog posts, along with Cleveland and Toledo to go visit friends, but it wasn’t truly until Seattle, that I traveled, arrived, and stayed by myself the entire trip.

I encourage everyone to take a vacation alone. I tend to be a daydreamer and only when I am truly alone am I allowed to keep the daydream and fantasy world alive in my head. I always tend to “find myself” in such situations and my best ideas come from my wild imagination.

Being married now, less than a year, taking a vacation by myself seems like something that’s only going to be one of those daydreams I catch myself in. I know in the future this is something that I am going to need for my soul and one day I can only hope that my husband will understand my need for solitary adventure and exploration. I can tell you for a fact however, I WILL travel alone again someday, abroad even, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get to be me again.

2019 Year in Review

This has been the year that I have been waiting for. It’s unbelievable to me, that at 39, I feel like I’ve grown so much as a human being, changed so much as a person and still feel so young. A life that once seemed over is now completely up for grabs. Anything is possible and anything can happen. Change is guaranteed. How far are you willing to work for the change that you want to see? It’s going to happen regardless, if you want it to or not, so might as well try and take control of the the things you can, to help shape the things you cannot. It has however been really hard for me lately to feel anything.  I know that is has to be holiday season, but I can’t let the holidays get the best of me!! Especially when I have a lot to celebrate in 2019!

The year started on a high note!  It was my big trip to Thailand with Jenn and Kelley, my first trip out of the country and the biggest accomplishment of my life.  I still can’t believe it.  The memory fades as time goes  on but the experience will always be there.  I was lucky enough to have spent three whole weeks there, so when I day dream about it long enough I can almost smell the hot, steamy city streets of Bangkok.  I also overcame a lot of fears, such as flying.  That is probably the longest flight I’ll be on for a long long time, it’s actually one of the longest flights I can take, on top of the numerous domestic flights I took while I was there.  I boiled eggs in actual hot springs, ate scorpions, bugs, and ostrich, walked for miles, laid on the beaches of Phi Phi Island and bathed elephants in Chaing Mai.  There were so many experiences I also shared that I didn’t even mention (like my bamboo tattoo!) that changed my life.

When I came home, I was in such a good place, I must have been on top of the world.  Within one week I met Hugo and my life hasn’t been the same since.  I really feel like I am with my best friend, that he is the guy the universe put on the Earth for me.  I still get weird sometimes and still crave the feeling of being alone, but I work on that everyday and just try to be the best boyfriend I can be because we both deserve that happiness.  He is not a citizen and I had to wait for a way too long divorce process to finish so we can marry and help get his green card.  I met his “cousin” Kristina and it has pretty much been the three of us all this year.  Now that the divorce is final, you can expect a wedding in 2020 which I hope to be able to write an honest blog about in the future.

Concerts and travel is all I care about and concerts and travel dominated my 2019.  My first concert of the year was Mariah Carey at the Chicago Theater.  Not only did I go to the concert but I was right outside the back door when she walked in the theater and got a video.  My night was made before the concert even started.  I went with Carrie and unfortunately, we are not friends anymore because of her jealously and possessiveness when I am in a relationship.  That is another story in itself.  Ariana Grande was in town and Hugo and I went to her show.  It was great, and most importantly I got to see how much fun we can have together especially at a concert.  We both let loose, screamed and sang the whole night.  If I remember correctly, we didn’t even sit down.  Next up was Jennifer Lopez with Kristina and company.  Last minute we all decided to see Madonna’s Madame X tour, and then said we HAVE to see Cher.  Let me tell you that Cher was the concert of the year.  I started with Mariah and ended with Celine.  Two of the powerhouse vocals of my lifetime in one year.  I can’t even imagine that my 2020 concert line up, or any year here after can compare to my concert line up of 2019.

Concerts and travel.  Let’s talk about travel.  It was almost impossible to think of anything else as a vacation after coming home from Thailand.  How can I use the term “travel” without leaving home, carrying only a back pack and the thrill of the unknown?  Defining travel to me is a little bit different but anytime leaving home for a while counts for me.   Memorial day weekend was spent In Milwaukee, including a trip to the Miller Brewery and a Brewers game.  In August we took a trip to Las Vegas, did a zip line for the first time and made some crazy new friends. We finished the year taking the train to Detroit.  It was the first time either of us visited Detroit and we had a great time.  In Detroit, we went to a Tigers game, since they just so happened to be playing the White Sox.  With a Cubs game at Wrigley also this year, we were able to see three baseball games in three different fields.  That was also a first for me!

In other news, my godson, Aleksander was born, I left my job at Tricoci, went back to Floyd’s only to be offered a position in admissions at Tricoci 5 months later.  I have three new tattoos, one being awful.  This has been a big year as far as travel, relationships and career moves.  One thing about me is that I never know what the new year has to store for me because I am always wanting to change and grow.  I don’t like things to stay the same too long so we will see what 2020 brings.  There are a few things that I want to work on in this new year.  I will be looking into teaching CEU classes and what I need to successfully do that.  I will work smarter but also harder.  I am going to focus on what I need to feel fulfilled, and that is working.  I don’t feel like I am living up to my potential as far as working hard.  Having two days off a week is not necessary, for every week so I want to at least work one weekend a month to help tackle my credit card debt.  I am not going to buy anything!  No clothes, no Mariah Carey things, and no records.  At least for 2019.  I will spend money on travel and concerts and paying down debt.  This year we are planning on getting married which means I will make sure sure I address all my concerns so we have a successful life together.  I am lucky to have and be part of the family that I belong to.

Bring it on 2020.

Summer. 2018

It’s been 9 months since I have written and longer since I published a public post.  A lot has happened this summer.  The president of The United States of America gets worse everyday.  Sexual allegations and cops killing minorites are dominating the news as we speak.  Aretha Franklin is dead, and I’m single again.  The details don’t matter, we both paid the price, however that decision, in my opinion opened up the summer for more experiences.  It’s been about three weeks since I moved out, and back, to my old studio on Chicago Ave.

I put a vision board up, so I remain gratful for what I have.  I have posted my tickets and pictures of events that I’ve been blessed to attend.  I’m trying to get back to the “don’t miss anything, experience everything” mentality of my 20’s.  I have a different perspective on it now, as I approach 40.  I was able to scratch some bucket list items off my list this year which I have not been able to do in a while .  Especially the travel list.  I saw Diana Ross in concert this year and traveled to NOLA as well as Seattle, both brand new for me.  another trip was planned for 2019…. THAILAND!  I will write more about my travels later.

My friend Carrie is my ride or die.  I’ve said this before.  Unfortunately for the world, she can be a jealous bitch, and when I’m in a relationship this is usually amped up to an 11.  For the most part we love the exact same things so when the opportunity came again to be able to spontaneously see a show, I always had my favorite go to person to ask to go with.  We scored free tickets to see Kesha and Macklamore.  We also got to see The Cher Show, a pre Broadway musical before it hit the NYC stage.  We rounded out the summer with the Never Ending Summer tour with The Offspring and 311.  In just two weeks we are going to Michigan to see Paula Abdul.  I can’t wait to see what amazing concerts 2019 brings!!

Most of the summer I was still living at home with Tony.  It made me a lot more active, as I was trying to spend as little time as possible in the awkward apartment.  It was easier for me to move forward after I laid it all out on the table.  It was a big release of energy that I had bottled up inside.  It was however, hard on him.  I guess I preach so much about going outside your comfort zone to grow, that knowing this was exactly what I was doing, made me feel selfish.  Shouldn’t I want us both to grow together?  I spent more time then ever before in the yoga studio and I believe that helped build an inner peace within myself.  Through my practice I do believe I was awakened to the idea of solitude.

So the summer of 2018 was more eventful then 2017 but not as perfect as 2016.  2016 is forever going to be the best year of my life.  I hope for a beautiful 2019. I should have learned a few more lessons about myself, and others, maybe took a step backwards in the trust department, but it brought me two steps closer to something else TBD.

dating the addicted and other normal things

I just had my one year anniversary of my current relationship. Former blog posts talk about me being single and alone and here I am talking about the one year anniversary and shit. Who would have thought. All that aside it’s been a rough year. Financially I’m drained because I had to foot majority of the bills. My moral is low because all I do is work and have no life outside of him and my job. He’s an over consumer, and I try to be frugal as hell. His world is black and white. Mine is the perfect shade of grey. I’m a loner by default, and I’ve been missing it a lot lately. Craving it even. I feel trapped.

So the reason we even started to date in the first place is because although we seemed to have nothing in common, we had one huge thing alike. We were both recovering addicts. I toyed around with smoking weed sometimes and having a social beer here and there (limit two of course), but I was willing and ready to go 100% sober for the relationship. Now this is where I have to take blame as well as place blame. After 400 days clean he decided that he wanted to smoke weed. By his birthday he was drinking here and there and after his birthday weed became a daily thing. The excuses for an occasion to drink started to grow so naturally, eventually, I came home to him passed out drunk at home. No. Fuck this. Not only is it not fair that I feel like I’m in a cage and this dude does whatever he wants, but I could only be sober with him. I can be drunk with anyone.

I briefly thought about leaving him to sleep it off and just going to my brothers. Brief thought. Very brief. Although I knew there would be absolutely no point in arguing with a drunk, I was irritated that he got to sleep when I was furious, so I antagonized the beast until he exploded. Until he fucked up my dresser, and waited until he finally punched a hole in the closet door, trying repeatedly for what seemed like an eternity to leave.

It’s been three days since this debacle. He’s apologized of course and I have just been cold which honestly isn’t much different then I was treating him before that day because of my irritation with the financial situation. I didn’t make him leave or break up with him which is exactly what I planned on doing. All I have said to him is that he disappointed me and if I ever see anything like that again, he will never see or talk to me what so ever. I really mean this. Right now, it’s the holidays, I’m lazy because I am so busy, and in too much credit card debt that he needs to help pay off to even think about the long, painful breakup process.

I hope this is the part that’s “normal”, the part that you are supposed to stick out to eventually see that it makes your relationship stronger. Right now though, it’s the part where my friends and family think I’m an idiot for sticking around.

It’s my party, and I can cry if I want to, leave if I want to, stay if I want to. #memyselfandi

Be A Day Maker

These are words that are written on the wall above the shampoo bowls at my place of employment.  I teach at a beauty school.  It’s important for the students because it’s exactly what we do in this business.  I SHOULD say, this is what we should be doing in this business.  When you fry off someone’s hair, and/or use the wrong toner and turn her blonde hair green, you are not necessarily making their day.  However, when you do an amazing job for someone that is having a rough day, week, or life in general, knowing that you made their day is the warmest feeling ever.  It is honestly what has kept me in the business so long.

As an educator, I am still a day maker.  I have to be.

If I was a girl, I’d be Kesha. Kinda trashy, but you would still love me…

That is a pretty accurate description of myself.  I’ve also been called a “beautiful bottle of poison”.  That was kinda awesome too.  In other words, I’m FUN.  Lots of fun.  I have even been able to create the illusion of fun while staying sober and being in a relationship.  Especially at work.  Outside of work however I’ve felt like the exact opposite of fun.  Sometimes I think its my relationship bringing me down and other times I am positive I am my worst enemy, bringing down my own damn self.

Relationship drama.  What’s wrong?  I have been ruminating on the thought that my guy doesn’t like me, the person.  The man I am inside.  He knows me, however as he learns more about me, it seems bigger distances emerge.  I never should have looked at things like my car, phone, way I dressed and simple life style as anything to be embarrassed of.  I wanted to change, I wanted him to like me.  He does love me however for other things.  He mentioned yesterday that we “need each other” after I thanked him for keeping me on track.  What did he mean?  He is an authorized user on my credit cards and that has helped his credit immensely.  I assume this is what he was referencing to as far as needing me because that is what we were talking about at the moment.  He does love me for the caring person that I am, and my willingness to help people.  It’s my nature and I know he appreciates me for it, however the only thing we even talk about anymore is bills, payments, credit scores, credit scores, and credit scores.  We are two different people and I feel in my heart that I have tried to experience life through his eyes with an open mind. I know he has tried to do the same, however it seems everything I try to introduce him to he doesn’t like or goes in with a closed mind, therefore he doesn’t give it a chance.  I am pretty predicable and love Britney Spears.  I love all things teenage girl and I know this has to drive him crazy.  My obsession with high tops and an unwillingness to grow up used to be cute but are now an annoyance.  My shoes on my table and the way I hang my clothes (or the fact I don’t always hang them) drives him nuts, which is crazy because its my table and the only reason my closet is a mess is because I gave him a whole closet when he moved in with me.  I can’t even tell you the last time I got to dance around my apartment naked to “Toxic”.  Tragedy, I know.  I’m horribly indecisive and my passive “I don’t care” attitude is less then to be desired.

Why would I be a problem?  I ruminate negative thoughts in my head.  The only thing I trust, is that someone is going to hurt me.  Eventually.  That’s not fair to anyone.  I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, all the while basing my reactions on opinions of my own, and not facts of the matter.  To my defense, I try to talk about my problems but instead of being consoled over the matters at hand, I’m brought to a place of shame and embarrassment, forever being told that “nothing is wrong” or nothing was wrong until I opened up my mouth.  I leave the situation feeling worse then I did going into it, on the simple fact that he could ever be so indifferent to anything that I said I was feeling at the moment.  Instead of telling him how I feel, I keep it all inside because I’m sure that’s what he wants me to do.  Why am I not doing what I want to do?  I’m a pushover.  Cowardly even.

About that job.  I’m a teacher of a trade that I love.  Being a hair stylist has brought so much to my table.  Most people don’t last two years and I’m going on 13.  It seems like yesterday that I locked this down on my tour with Joanne at Regency.  I wanted to become a teacher and I am.  Teaching is not as fun as working a salon and I miss the creativity and day to day shenanigans of working in a shop.  Teaching is a JOB with bosses and all the corporate hell that goes along with it but I can’t forget to mention that the benefits are there as well.  Health insurance, paid vacation, paid holidays and 401K to name the big ones.  I also happen to work for the best company out there in the Chicagoland area so that makes it impossible to even want to look for another job teaching.  This really is it.  The best part of working in the salon was getting to see my clients and my friends, and getting paid to do it.  I miss that energy so much.

Reading back there is one common factor that I can see.  Complacency.  I never want to feel that because to feel complacent means you don’t care. You no longer care about your partners needs because you know they are not going anywhere. Some days I try to change it up, but recently it’s  been hard. I feel like I’m riding solo in the car of life and that’s usually how I like it to be. I decided to share my life with some one but if there’s no communication alongside with complacency, I’d rather be alone.

 

 

A Prostitutes Guide To Becoming A Role Model

I mean, really, I was an escort which we all know is a hell of a lot classier then a prostitute, right? Ha.  At the end of the day if you gotta take the dick outta your mouth before you go home from work, you is a ho.  It wasn’t my proudest moment. In fact it helped stick me into a deep depression that fed my drug addiction and insecurities. Oddly enough at the same time it fulfilled this need I can’t seem to find an ends to, called adventure.  It wasn’t all bad.  You get to be who ever you wanted to be for that moment in time.  It was mysterious, and it was bad.  It turned that scared boy into a man in a very short period of time and gave me plenty of other opportunities that became positive experiences in life.

I never thought getting into sex work was going to effect me in the future.  Maybe that’s the beauty of being in your 20’s.  You’re too stupid and clueless to realize how your actions will shape your future, so you do them, have fun, and pay for them later.  It’s pretty much the young adult mantra.  It didn’t stop with escorting.  Movies were made and pictures were taken.  This thing called the internet was starting to catch on.  I had no clue it held the ability for these videos and pictures to last FOREVER.  So naturally, I thought it would be a good idea to become a teacher.

First I became a hair stylist.  My fast lifestyle fit right in with the crazy, neurotic lifestyle and culture of doing hair.  The industry did so much for me.  I was in sex work for 10 years, and there was no place I could think of other then a gay bathhouse that my resume would stand a chance.  Cosmetology gave me a second chance.

I wanted to be a teacher for the people that wanted their second chance.  I do it so I can make a difference. I tell them that I was once beat down and broken and pulled through to tell the story.  If I can do it, then anyone can, and I am sure to remind them of this whenever they need motivation.  Anyone can facilitate the information.  It takes something extra to care about the people that you are giving the  information to.  Sure getting “Happy Fathers Day” texts makes me feel like an old, wrinkled fool, but it lets me know that I am doing exactly what I set out to do.  When the administration is getting down on me and I start to get discouraged, I quickly remind myself that I am here for the students.  I’m protective of these guys, I get attached and I cry when they graduate.

It’s  kinda awesome getting to be this guy.  Someone that gets respect and someone that people look up to…as long as they don’t find me butt ass naked on an internet search at least.

Happy Birthday Fool

It’s my mother fuckin’ birthday!  It’s my damn birthday.  Who really is excited to turn 37.  What the hell kinda joke is 37? Has anyone even anticipated their 37th birthday?  Shit.  Has anyone ever anticipated a birthday after 21?  That was so long ago I can’t even answer that question.

My thirties have been odd.  I finally had a birthday without Tony, and then I decided to take my drug use to a whole new level and call in an addiction. I created an empire around a drug called meth, sitting on top of the world, or so I thought, and then unexpectedly got knocked down so low, I couldn’t get up without help from rehab, outpatient, family and friends.  I lost not one, but three “best friends” in a year while repairing relationships with people I thought I lost a long time ago.  I wanted to die, I thought I would die, I KNEW I would die, and then I saved myself.  I got stuck some place in between young and old, daddy status and being a daddy chaser.  I recovered, but never really felt whole until a Vegas vacation changed my view of life.  Right when I got comfortable being alone, I met the man that I plan on spending the rest of my life with.  That’s how the story goes.  Today I don’t feel like I have all the answers.  I’m smart enough to know that I won’t have those answers tomorrow either.  I went back to school, and started a new career, going from being my own boss to having 50 bosses and living in constant fear that I may loose my job because my maturity level won’t ever match my age.  Basically, I’m growing up.

My wish for myself if that I continue to see the progress made and not to backtrack ruminating about my life that has passed.  Sometimes the lines between being an addict that’s on top of the world, even if its superficial, and being this new, seemingly boring version of myself get dangerously close.  Thank god someone taught me how to play the tape through, always saving the day when I think I want to go back to the thrill and excitement of the games I used to play, and the playgrounds I played them on.

I may not have what other people my age have, but I’m only aware of the world around me because I stopped doing drugs.  I have a hell of a lot more then I had two years ago and that is a FACT.  Everything else is just a thought or opinion that needs to be shut down on the bad days that I have them.

I need to promise myself this:  I promise to continue to grow and not let minor set backs break me.  I promise to not be afraid to say what I feel, and to always do my best with my relationships I have and the people around me. I promise to not get upset about not being perfect.  I promise to continue to be weird and eccentric for these are the qualities that make me who I am.  If I can’t be myself at 37 I never will be.  A fool at 40 is a fool forever, and my momma didn’t raise no fool.

Learning Love

So I’m in this relationship thing, right??  Yesterday was the big 3 month mark of being “official”.  It might sound crazy to you, because it IS crazy, but we have been living together for almost that same amount of time.  Even before he officially moved in with me, we were together every day and every night.  I didn’t want it any other way.  I still don’t want it any other way.  He’s my life.  I have never seen such a real future with anyone like I do when I look into his eyes.

I’m emotional.  I’m an over thinker.  Both of these can break me, unless I use the tools that I have to stop myself from ruining something beautiful.  I just now realized something that can put a lot of things in perspective.  This is my first sober relationship.  On top of being my first sober relationship, this is also my first healthy relationship.  This is my first REAL relationship.  I was petrified of the first one, and was a drug addict for the second one.  How could I look at these relationships as comparable to the one that I’m in?

Three months to me is a big deal, because when  I make it to three months, I make it to a year.  The past two weeks were a little rough on me to say the least.  I was questioning everything.  The dynamic of the relationship has started to change and my guy isn’t really a communicator. It seemed to me at the time that the romance was dying and it crushed me because that man was the most romantic person I have ever been with.  He had all the right things to say and always at the right time.  After a few failed attempts of communicating my way, I didn’t know what to do.  I just wanted my boyfriend back.

While the physical and romantic part of the relationship was subsiding, something new was happening.  He was becoming my best friend and I was too caught up in my emotions to even realize it.  When it comes to him, I know I will never give up, so I waited things out.  I never have doubted his love for me.  It was worth it.  It was worth feeling that feeling again when he grabbed my hand to hold it while sitting on the couch.  It was worth it to be with him on his important 1 year sober anniversary.  It was worth it to be able to feel him kiss my neck on the escalator while shopping at Kohls. I love him.

I’m learning not to over think things.  I’m trying to learn the best way to communicate with him without letting my emotions over take me.  I want him to learn how to communicate with me as well.   I’m learning how to love the right way, for love is a lot more then the crazy feelings you go through at the beginning of a relationship.  It’s more then I can even write or comprehend.  I want us to be together forever, but for now I will take it one day at a time.