2021 Year in Review

I was hoping to write this before the year ended, but of course there was too much going on. That is because my resolution: grab ’22 by the balls- and that’s what I am doing. Here I am though, with the time and opportunity to write about 2021.

The year started off great, and then I don’t know what happened. This was the year I had been waiting for since 2016. The bad one. Of course I was growing and growing. There was nothing to stop me. How can I measure my strength when I have yet to have a challenge? I have at this point started my second year working from home and fell into a comfortable pattern. Then, I guess I am realizing now, it became the year of my husband.

I have never been so proud of someone that I have been with. We started the year off with him getting his application for residency approved. After that we quickly packed our bags and headed to celebrate. First we flew to San Diego and visited friends before crossing the boarder into Tijuana. We stayed a night there, and wasted a day with the worst hangover of my life. Partially recovered, we boarded a plane and headed to Los Cabos, then to La Paz, and back to Cabo with all sorts of things in between. Then we took the kids back to Chicago with us. My husband went to work, and I stayed home with the kids.

The first month was ok. I had a little desk I put in our sunny bedroom, and it was perfect. I felt bad for the kids of course for being so trapped up in the apartment so we went to parks and ran errands as necessary just to move and not go stir crazy. We made a decision to move to a two-bedroom apartment for more space since the kids were here. We only lasted there 6 weeks. We were completely harassed by the neighbors because of the cats and the kids being too loud. We ended up getting a huge argument that ended in threats and I just dropped to my knees and broke down. I COULD NOT BELIVE THIS WAS MY LIFE. Living in a shitty apartment I did not like and home for months taking care of kids, all the while failing at my job. I went three months in a row without hitting my goals for work- the three months I was with the kids all day. We were able to break the lease and now had two weeks to look for a house to rent. That meant I now had to give up living in the city. My city. The only thing that I still felt I had that connected me to my true self, but if everything happens for a reason, something great better be around the corner. It was.

The kids left on July 31 and on Aug 1 we moved into our first (rental) home. It was everything I never wanted. It was perfect. The energy in that home was amazing. That place was made with love. No bricks, no basement and located in the middle of white America but I didn’t care. In October I purchased my first brand new pickup truck and saw Maluma in concert. Shortly after I had to have a double hernia surgery, and then it happened again. More setbacks.

Based on the awful way I was treated at Great Clips when I told them I was going into surgery, I decided to make the decision not to go back there. The thing that I did not realize is that I made more money than I thought and that I needed two jobs. However, I was in a lot of pain after this. Then winter hit and so did the depression. Money was awful, I was scared I would never recover from my surgery, and I was getting so fogged over sitting at home wishing I could go back to work instead of feeling trapped in the house. the COVID break was cool, but now my mental health was beginning to suffer. I needed a new life. I decided to enroll for real estate classes with Cheslea.

We rang in the New Year in Canada. It was half closed down for COVID and the next day we went to Detroit to party like it was 2022. I was still in real estate school and hoping for the best. 2021 did not go well, but I know that was on me. If I wanted change, I needed to BE the change and boy did it come for 2022- stay tuned 🙂

Letters to Joey….6

Dear Joey,

It’s Halloween 2021. I’m kind of anxious because I’m starting to forget. Forget what we did on Halloween. Forgot if we dressed up or if I was even available at all or too busy smoking meth and avoiding your calls. I forgot if this was just another holiday I ruined for you. I’m also forgetting what it felt like to loose you. To feel that crazy. To feel that low. To feel like THAT.

You are 25 now I think? I wonder what your like. How you have changed. If maybe now you can understand why I tried to push you away from me when I would say I was “too old”. Dann said something about he thought you lived in Joliet with your boyfriend. If that’s the case, I hope you’re happy, but like I always say “When I was your age I needed to EXPLORE!” Then you, in turn, would remind me that not everyone needs to live the crazy life that I did. I do now, agree with you.

Time marches on and people heal. As much as I know I hurt you, you hurt me back probably harder. I am a better man because of it and you never chose to know the man I am today. You ignored me and I grew. Thank you. Still, I never wanted to forget because I thought clinging to that pain would somehow keep me from making mistakes again, kept me humble. It maybe worked for many years but it also had me feeling like I didn’t deserve anything good that was happening. Anytime I succeeded I always needed a day to convince myself that I was worth it. I have found something else to replace that pain that also keeps me moving forward and that is called LOVE. My husband has made it possible for me to stop feeling guilty for growing, for setting goals and getting what I need as well as what I want without feeling undeserving. I no long need the guilt to keep me grounded. I have moved past that. It’s different now.

Writing to you has proven to be theraputic by allowing me to really dig deep into myself for the meaning and purpose behind my addiction, mental illness, and recovery. I don’t understand why it was so necessary for me to make sure you knew I was suffering. Maybe so you saw I was miserable and I could say we were even and have closure. Everything we went through landed me right were I am today and I swear today I look around at my beautiful life and I can’t imagine being any where else.