I am the guy that has “good energy”, a charismatic personality and generally can get along with anyone. I for sure have no intention of beefing up my ego with that statement, rather than make an observation based on the comments of others for the past 42 years. A more appropriate statement would include the word “perceive”. I am the guy that people PERCEIVE… because the truth is I doubt that its real sometimes. A lot of the times actually. Why, is it easier for me to be nicer to a stranger then to the members of my family? How come I am helping people change their life around, and roll my eyes when then they walk out of my office? In reverse, why do I feel empty if I don’t feel like I am doing something to help others? If I am everyone’s positive influence, then how and why do I get so sad and depressed and broken? Who and what fills my cup? The biggest question of them all is am I faking happiness so I can avoid the things that are bothering me?
Why complain? No one listens, this is a fact, and no one cares. No one TRULY cares. When someone is complaining to me about something irrelevant, I can smile and nod, all the while having a complete thought process in my head about something totally different. After a few minutes of that, I then realize that I have no idea what this person was even telling me. I am present, listening, making eye contact even and my brain is completely on what I am going to eat for lunch and hoping my favorite teller is working at the bank. Part of it is my ADHD for sure, but maybe there is also a possibility that my give a damn is just BUSTED.
Maybe I am just not a good person. Once I had a student come in my office and I was letting her know, everything we do here is because we care, and she stopped me. While she agreed we cared, she also believed that ended at 5 PM and then we left and didn’t give a shit anymore until the alarm went off and back to work, we went. I was offended at first but maybe that is true! Maybe that is why teachers don’t care about calling in sick and no one being able to take their class. Maybe that’s why they are not studying the material they need to look over or are not participating at meetings. They just don’t care after 5. After 5, I want to be as far away as I can. Do I stop caring though? Is it because I do not care, or because I care too much? If I did not care, would I be losing sleep, having anxiety and thinking about everyone so much?
Maybe, I am not happy. Period. I started this post nearly a year ago TO THE DAY and find myself feeling similar still. I am revisiting it to finish and post the blog, and what I now understand is that most of my negativity about humanity stems from my leadership position. Leadership is the true energy vampire. Leadership has been the transparency I needed to see exactly where we are headed as a society. It has opened my eyes to something far deeper than deeming someone a good person or a bad person. I am able to see exactly where my generation went wrong and what we provided the younger generation with for them to become who they are today. Worst part is, we hate on them for it, when they are only working with what they got. From us. That’s why I carry on. It is not their fault, and whether I like it or not, it is MY JOB to inspire and motivate them. It is not theirs to motivate me. My roll exists to because society is so fucked up and people like me are needed to help shape a new generation. Just sometimes, I question, if I am strong enough for that responsibility. Lately, I am questioning if I am even capable of working at Taco Bell.
Zio's Attic 